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Monday, August 09, 2010
8:55 PM
I'm here again. Currently having mixed feelings because this is the last time i have the opportunity to view fireworks from my house at 17th level. Something which i took granted for, yupps i certainly did.
o wells, new house in a month or so i guess.
i'm trying to keep faith and keep believing..
i'm.. trying... :(
Friday, July 16, 2010
11:36 PM
Everything seem to be so bleak right now.
kinda wish i could share my troubles with you dad:(
Sunday, March 28, 2010
11:53 AM
this feelings sucks when i trained so hard for more than a year just to get myself injured. and nationals is in 4 days time.
and this feeling sucks when i'm so committed into this but you thought 'it was just a mistake'.
something bad will happen. I'm trying to prevent it, but your mentality is not helping. it hurts.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
1:07 PM
i'm utterly disappointed with my brother.
HELLO? we're one family, now that dad has passed away, and that you're in the army, mum would definitely be worry about you but why can't you just fucking talk nicely with her during the weekends?
are you going to play your stupid games till you grow old? what is your fucking future?
i wished you dare to give me a punch so that i will give you a few more to wake you up seriously.
YOU'RE 21.
PLEASE, WAKE UP.
Monday, February 15, 2010
11:44 PM
Emotions and sentimental values, are these so insignificant compared to materialistic desire? Why are humans so selfish, so self-centered?
everything would be different, if dad, you were around.
i really really miss you :'(
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
11:57 PM
It has been a year. Time seem to pass too quickly. Everything that happened has been constantly flashing back this few days. Trying to hold back tears is difficult, really difficult.
But i am happy that there is one special person who loves me a lot :)
Sunday, September 06, 2009
11:51 PM
A familiar yet usual feeling while typing into this page again.
Pain, sorrow, happy, sad, angst. Somehow i came back here.
Time has been cruely ticking away and humans are the victims of it.
Appreciate, who does?
self-motivation is what i live for, today.
and im puzzled with lots of things, which my dad could answer.
but its never possible.
never.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
10:19 AM
Looking back at 2008,
It started with much anticipation of the O level year and ended off with sadness and regrets.
2008 has been physically, mentally and emotionally draining for me. The O's have already drained away much energy, as i've really put my soul to it. I thought throughout this break before the release of results i could recuperate or maybe recharge myself for the upcoming year. But never did i expect that after 1 week of the last paper, my dad fell ill and for that week in the hospital, it was total hell for me. I couldn't sleep well, couldn't eat well, couldn't find myself and couldn't figure out why was everything happening on me. I thought life was unfair but i realise after much reflecting that perhaps this is what you call life and death. What is born, will die. What has been gathered will be dispersed. What has been built will collapse and what has been high will be brought low. So maybe, maybe, just maybe, this is what life is. What goes up, must come down.
2008 will be a year which i will not forget, the real hardwork i've put in to accomplish things and the loss of my Dad. The feeling of losing someone you really close to you is undescrible. A snap of a finger and gone. Without a word, but with lots of pain. I really really didn't expect to lose my dad in 2008. Perhaps everything is fated. Perhaps my future has already been carved out. It is just time, which is holding me back. Only time will tell the truth. And i must say that the truth really hurts.
2008 is also the year, i'm graduated from my alma mater. 10 years, 10 long years in a boys school. I was actually looking foward to 2008 because of this, because i'll be FREEEEEEE. But unforseen circumstances really make my 2008 dull and sad.
2008 has also brought isreal and Hamas close to war. The Si Chuan earthquake which has killed lots of people. The finacial crisis which has made lots of people lose their job and money. The inflation in singapore which has fustrated many aunties. The increase in oil prices which has irritated motorist.
Most importantly, 2008 has changed me. 2008 Has changed my perception towards life. Now i see life as fragile and unpredicable. We really don't know what will happen next. Be in our own life or the people around you. My grand uncle(i think thats what i should call in english..) has passed away on last saturday. Not only i'm sad about his death, the worst thing is i couldn't pay my last respect due to tradition as my dad has just passed away for less than 100 days. 2 love ones has left me, in 2008. So right now, the only thing i would say is, it is time to cherish and treasure everything around you. This might sound corny but it is actually a fact which everyone neglects, just like what i did, and i'm really regretting it.
As 2008 come to an end, http://kai-jun.blogspot.com/ will also come to an end. The intial purpose of blogging is for the fun of it. For the fact that everyone is doing it. But throughout this 4 years in secondary school, i've gradually change the purpose of blogging for the fun of it to sort of personal journal. That is why i don't really go around giving my link to everyone and beg them to tag or read. But anyway, this will be the last post. Maybe i'll continue to blog, at xanga or livejournal next year.
To end my post, i would like to share this song which i think a lot of people know. I think the lyrics is really meaningful and it depicts exactly what i'm feeling.
Yesterday - Leona Lewis
I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
In the way that you're by my side ooo
When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They can take the music that will never play
All the broken dreams, take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go,
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday
You always use to say
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least how the story goes
I never believed them til now
I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They take the music that will never play
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
I thought our days would last forever
But it wasnt our destiny
Cuz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
Now I can believe that
I can still find the strengh in the moments we made
I'm lookin back on yesterday
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They take the music that will never play (I know)
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (yesterday)
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams), take everything
Just take it away (take everything)
But they can never have yesterday
Oh the broken dreams, take everything
But they can never have yesterday
---------------
Lastly, this is the last picture i had with my father on my 16th birthday at 11 september 2008. The one and only most recent photo i had with him.
I hope that 2009 will be a better year. Currently i'm working part time as a promoter and it is sort of.. fun to a certain extend. But i get to see very gl customers and stuff. O's results is going to be out soon, and no matter how bad my result is, i hope i can squeeze into any JC and from there, real study comes in.
Till then, I'll wish everyone a very Happy New Year
Remember to Do Well In Whatever You Do, and Strive for the best!
kaijun.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
2:48 PM
Merry X'mas to everyone.
But not so merry for me.
I just received the medical report on my Dad through post. This is my worst present. The letter contains one chunk of words in the middle, containing no more than probably 200 words. In the passage, it is chim to the max. Bomb-ed all the medical terms. I wah and wow alot.
A diagnosis of Severe Community Acquired Pneumonia complicated by respiratory failure, septic shock, acute renal failure and disseminated intravascular coagulation was made to my Dad. I wiki-ed 'disseminated intravascular coagulation' and i was shocked. Very shocked. Doctors didn't tell me anything about blood clot in my dad's body.
haiz.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
1:37 AM
i think life is really unfair towards me.
My dad's death is a great loss to me. However, i realise that i've gain more than what i've lost. I've lost a Dad - something which is very painful, but through his death i've learnt many things. I've reflected, and i view things differently right now. It is too hard to put into words. I guess i've changed, i've really changed. My heart has changed. My opinion towards life and many little things i did before, i am going to do, and i will do in future has changed. If my dad's death is the price I have to pay to grow up, i guess i would rather not grow up. But it has happened, too soon. Never did i expect to lose a dad at 16 years old. Never. My dad was looking foward to my o's result. He was very eager to know how i did. When i tell him the paper was easy, he would tell me that 'dont be over confident la.. because you always make alot careless mistake one.. Who ask you, dont eat carrot.' Ha, the good small chats i had with him.
yesterday night i cried. I recalled the things my dad did to me to nuture me. Tears really flowed down uncontrollably. In primary school, if you have been in the same class as me, you would know that my spelling or ting xie usually always score very well. That is not because i was smart. That was because my parents 'forced' me to learn. My dad would sit in the living room and test me. When i spelled it wrongly, i get canned. Seriously, canned. Do you know why my time table(multiplication table or whatever) is so good? (max 12 x 12). Not because my maths is good. It was because my dad 'trained' me, in the hard way. He would randomly ask me ' ah jun, what is 7 times 7.... what is 8 times 6...' and at one point of time im really very irritated by this things that he did to me. I rememeber when i was primary 4, my dad brought lots of maths test paper and forced me to do. I had to do a test every day and he would mark it. I get canned for getting stupid mistakes. I really really hated him at that time. 'wah lao eh why u keep forcing me to do maths.. dam sian u know...' But during the EOY i got 93/100 for my maths. The highest i've gotten in primary school. That was primary 4. This was the reason why i liked maths. My dad imparted me the passion to solve mathematical problems. Also, everyday before i go to bed i would beg him to accompany me to sleep. In the normal size bed, i slept on the left, leaning towards the wall, and my dad on the right, so that he can get out of the bed easily once i fall asleep. During whole 15 mins or so, he sang to me, he tell me stories during his NS times, he told me his life in his younger days. Yesterday night, as i recalled the song he usually sing to me, i sang it out, and i cried, really badly.
Dad, i really miss you.
Where are you???
Saturday, December 13, 2008
10:29 PM
I was suppose to be in Taiwan right now. Suppose to take the flight to Taiwan on 12.30pm. Supposingly the first time whole family out of the sg/my boundary. Suppose. Yup suppose. Suppose to be on plane for the first time.
But everything was suppose.
Even if my mum, bro and i goes on a holiday in the years to come, it won't be the same.
it won't.
sigh.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
11:38 AM
Hi everyone.
I'm really really seriously very thankful for all the encouragement everyone gave during the 2 weeks of the lowest point of my life. My mobile phone was spammed with condolences sms-es and sms-es for me to stay strong for my family, in addition to the fact that i must be cautious of my health and catch up with my sleep.
Also, everyone who has came down to my father's wake. I was really really touched to see my friends/classmates and teachers to come down. The most touching was the first night of the funeral when a group of MJS 6I'04 came down. I was really really speechless when i first saw them. All the teachers who came down were amazing too, their encouragement and support was too hard to put into words.
The tags on the tagboard too! I'm surprise to see so many anonymous and passer-bys. I'm really thankful for everyone who has tagged, especially those who doesn't know me. I've got no idea how you people landed here but really really thankful for all the encouragement.
Right now, I'm feeling alright. The emptyness at home is starting to set in. There is something missing right now. Since last friday, i've been sleeping with my mum. Haha to be the truth i cannot really sleep well because of the amazing snore my mum makes. Oops, but i told her about that and she was telling me about my dad's snore and this makes them asleep because 2 snore together = no noise, so they can sleep. Interesting stuff.
But right now, my mum occasionally will break down into tears during meals or just sitting down together while watching TV. My mum has known my dad for 30 years, since she was 17. I won't be surprise how sad she is now. I only know my dad for 16 years, but for her, 30 years. Almost twice. So this is something which makes her really really sad. Sometimes she will tell me that it is all the doctor's fault. He went in, all right, but soon breathing through the machine and subsequently multiple organ failure. She blame the doctor for causing his death. I tried to explain to her that these are some things which is beyond our control, but she just took it as a pinch of salt.
The pain will definitely linger, but i will definitely move on and not let this episode of my life defeat me. I realise that through writing a short message to someone has a great impact. Mr Pang wrote to me a small message and my cousin's wife did that too. The words she wrote to me were meaningful, and it is really true. Right now, i should think of how my Dad's story can contribue to the lifes of other people. Taking time to grief is human's nature, but after this I should consolidate my feelings and look forward to the challenges ahead.
My dad's death has taught me a very very valuable lesson. For the people who reads my blog, the only thing that i would say, and i said to almost all my friends who came down to my dad's wake, is that it is seriously really time to cherish and treasure what you have right now. I said that from the bottom of my heart. Family is something everyone is taking for granted. I've lost a Dad, and technically speaking i'm having an incomplete family. So while going around with my mum to all the government association yesterday to settle my dad's stuff, i can't help but to envy those walking together as a family. That is something I've not experience for a long time. I remember when i was young my dad would usually drive around to different shopping malls every weekend and my brother and I would keep annoying my parents buy lego for us. Up till about primary 4, I started to have the feeling of 'paiseh'. I don't know why, but i feel awkward when my friends meets my family. I don't know why i have that feeling. So as time goes by, the time spend together as a family starts to reduce because of all the problems the world is facing and stuff. Economy going bad and my dad's job as a property agent seems to have no more customers. Instead of staying at home idling, my Dad realise that it was just a waste of time. So he took up the job of a taxi driver in addition to his job as a property agent. This would probably earn more income to provide for the family and of course, keep him occupied i guess. So all this greatly reduce the time spend as a family together, and i've really regreted it. My dad's doesn't drive on sunday, so he always goes out with my mum and label it as 'dating' or 'pat-tor'. Sometimes he would ask me to tag along but i'll just turn it down because at that point of time computer was more important than anything else. So right now, i guess priority goes to my Mum. I've made a vow infront of my dad when he was lying in the ICU with a monotone beep from the machine, with all the tubes already unplugged, that i'll take good care of mum. So this is something i'll live for. I used to dislike going out with parents because sometimes the action they do is really 'omg man'. But right now, i dont care. Whatever it is, when my mum wants accompany to somewhere, i'll just tag along. I can choose what friends i make, i can choose what girlfriend i want. But i can't choose what mum i can have. Right now, the only goal in my life, besides achiving good results next year in JC (for which i believe i will), is that i must make my mum happy. That is the only thing i hope i can achieve. Who knows, she probably could live another 30 or 40 years, and this period of time for her is the most lonely one, because she has lost a emotional support. Right now i'm quite determined of my future stuff. For eg, if my girlfriend dislike my mum or something, she will be gone. I'll probably find someone who can get along with me as well as with my mum. I only left one parent, and the most important parent. The only thing i could do now is the provide her the best. The best. In future, i'll be a good Dad. The best Dad i'll be for my children. Because through this, i realise that Daddy is a person who makes a big impact of our lifes. They express their love differently, and i never thought of that till while i was sitting outside the ICU for a week. I reflected. I reflected.
Although my dad has passed away, he will definitely live in my heart forever.
Right now, i've a burning and puzzling question. Did the doctors make any mistakes while doing the scope in his stomach?????? My mum told me that the indian doctor was taking occasional stare at my mum when we went in to see him before the scope had taken place. My mum told me that he looked guilty-like. I'm waiting for the full detailed medical report that will be received probably a month later. Another thing is that, did the doctors cut my dad up for autopsy??? If so...... i've got nothing to say. My dad live such a wonderful life, as a good father, good emotional suporter, and definitely a good husband. But he suffered so much before his death, and the most painful thing is that i could speak to him, talk to him, touch him, see him, but he couldn't reply. That is the most painful thing. The pain will defnitely linger, no matter what. It is just like when someone nail a nail into the wall using a hammer. It is easy to nail it in, just like how easy pain can be encrypted inside someone. But it takes much difficulty to take it out, just like how difficult pain can be removed. But after this whole process, the wall still has a hole. Just like how the pain would linger around me for the rest of my life.
After reading all this, the only message i wanted to convey is that, start treasuring your family. I've learnt this through a very hard lesson, and i hope that my dear friends reading this will not experience the same thing i had, and the regrets i had. The pain that i'm having now cannot be felt by anyone, unless you've lost someone really close to you. But for those people who has terminal illness or die of ripe old age, i told the people that they are lucky. Because before their death, they could probably speak to their love ones, telling them how they feel, and telling them their last wishes.
But for my Dad's case, it was too sudden.
He didn't had a chance to speak.
Friday, December 05, 2008
7:30 PM
My dad has been cremated today. The process of my dad's coffin entering the cremation place was painful. I cried, really badly.
All it has left were bones. Shattered bones. This is the first time I've seen human bone. And it is my dad's bone. I touched it. It is hard. Very rough. I managed to indentify his rib cage bones. Some were greenish. It looks like its the bacteria. Amazing. Surprising. Or what? I dont know.
I'm tired.
Monday, December 01, 2008
6:07 PM
Dad, Please Rest In Peace. I will be strong for my mum and my brother. I will get into a junior college no matter what my o level result is. I will fullfill your wish of me attending officer course in NS and graduating from University. I will, i will definitely will.
rest in peace, dad.
i love you.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
8:36 PM
Im having a bad headache now. I can't afford to fall sick. Please, please dont let me fall sick.
I have to go to the hospital later on. This is the 6th day of my new life, 6th day not talking to my Dad, 6th day not sleeping at home throughout the night.
I hope i could be strong. Please dad, hang on.
Friday, November 28, 2008
12:56 PM
On the fifth day of my new life, i was awaken at 4.30am by some inconsiderate couple talking just a few footsteps away from the green squarish hard couch i was sleeping on. I tried to carry on sleeping and on 5.30am or so 2 wonderful ladies came infront of me and talk. I was like.... errr..... but its okay. Life sucks. Thats about it. Then i tried to sleep again. At a few more minutes to 7am one group of nurses rushed in, and their heels are producing wonderful vibrations to the air mass. My head felt heavy. Nevermind, dont want to sleep already.
I talked to the doctor today at around 9.40am and she said my Dad's condition is still the same. Not much improvement. Still can't urinate and still requiring high level of oxygen. Mum broke down again. Doctor said take one step at a time. I took a step, and nearly trip and fall. I don't know what to do. Really.
The usual routines are getting mudane. I don't have a choice. I have to be there.
I guess life is unfair. I thought i could enjoy my holiday. I thought. Yes i shouldn't have thought of that.
(edit 4.18pm)
I just received a call. My mum said my father can't take in oxygen. Now they increased it to 100%. Im now going to rush down. DAD, PLEASE PLEASE HANG ON. PLEASE, I BEG YOU. PLEASE.
plz............................
Thursday, November 27, 2008
1:20 PM
On the forth day of my new life, i got awaken by the laughters of the nurses. In addition to the wierd stuff that the cleaners and nurses are pushing around. Very noisy. At 8.50am or so i saw all the doctors who attends to my dad rushing into the ICU. I was scared. The rapid footsteps is terrifying. I held my hands together and really hoped that my father is alright. Every seconds was draining. Minutes were like hours and hours were like days. About exactly an hour later, the doctor spoke to me.
She smiled. She said that his condition is getting slighly better. Only a tiny bit. Comparing to the first day he was warded, there was only a small improvement. His life is still in danger. He is under medication to keep his Blood Pressure(BP) at normal. His BP is too low. He still has to undergo dialysis and breathing through the machine. But something a little good is that the doctors are providing him with 75% of oxygen, slighly lower than the 100% when he was first warded. We are breathing in 21% of oxygen, so 75% still means in critical condition. Nevertheless, this is still improvement.
His limbs are swelled up. In fact, the whole body. Doctor reassured me that it is normal and the swell will subside once he recovers. I'm still worried. Still scared. Yesterday night i asked the doctor that was on shift: 'seriously, how long is he going to take?'. He said the fastest is between 10 to 14days. It could be even longer. But this period of time is only the time take to get out of ICU. After that in the normal ward he still has to undergo lots of stuff and he might need to go rehabilitation because he would be in the bed for too long and his muscles are not working. I opened my mouth and stared at him blankly.
My taiwan trip next month has been cancelled. For the first time, i thought i'm going to sit on plane. Going to overseas(besides malaysia) together as a family. Even if my Dad recovers by that time, i wouldn't allow him to go because he would be too weak. The trip is cancelled. I believe, that we will have the chance to travel together again. We must.
This is the lowest point of my life.
Edit(6.21pm)
My dad has exactly the same symptoms as what it is describe in wiki. Fever, cough, develop sweaty and clammy skin. 'People with infectious pneumonia often have a cough producing greenish or yellow sputum, or phlegm and a high fever that may be accompanied by shaking chills.'
Very true, and exact.
If you want, you can read up here.
Off to the hospital now.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
8:12 PM
My life has changed. On the third day of my new life, which is today, the doctor told me that my dad's condition is slightly much better. Only very slight improvement. He required lesser oxygen than the previous day. In the air, we are breathing in 21% of oxygen. In the breathing device inserted throught the throat of my dad, it contains 90% of oxygen. But she said that his condition has improved very very little and can be considered as a good sign. But she kept emphasising the fact that my dad's is still in a critical condtion and his life is very much in a danger now.
In the meeting with her in a small room, i'm very worried that the antibiotic will have a disastrous side effect to my dad. I also asked about the specific baterica, whether they have sucessfully grown it. She said they were unable to grow, which makes me very very worried on the 4 bloody strong antibiotic that is given to my dad. I'm very very afraid that after my dad recover, his kidney would not function and has to undergo dialysis regularly. If this is the case i really don't know what is going to happen to me. She tried to change the subject and kept insisting the utmost importance now is to save his life, yes true, but in my mind i thought..... ok nevermind i dont wish to talk about it.
I was outside ICU for the whole night, popping in to see my dad occasionally. I stared at him, looked at the rhythm of his chest which is the same as the sound of the machine. Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep.. I told him to be strong. I don't know if he could hear it. Tomorrow i'm going to talk to him again. He always tell me that life is like a game. Just get the hang of it and win it, and then you will be successfull in life.. Similiarly, tomorrow i'm going to tell him that right now he is playing a game, and this concerns life and death. He must win all the stupid bacteria in his lungs so that he can recover.
I asked the doctor how long will he take. She said perhaps 10 to 14 days. It might be even longer. My heart sank.
My life has already changed, drastically.
For the past 2 days, i sat outside the ICU, staring into blank space reflecting. I didn't listen to any songs and didn't even have the mood to play anything. I stared at the clock, looking at the second hand moving every second. Every movement means that my dad is a second longer in the ICU and a second longer fighting for his life. The whole night i was very worried. I was alone. I persuaded my mum to go home because she hasn't sleep well for a long time. Right now she forced me to go home, because i've been there for 2 nights. I'll be there in the hospital by 8am tomorrow.
Please hang on there, Dad.
(Edit 9.02pm)
I think im going to the hospital now. My mum just called and she sounded loney.
If anyone of you is reading this, please help me to pray for my Dad.
thank you.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
5:01 PM
I seriously dont know how to start this post.
My Dad has been warded in hospital yesterday afternoon, and i thought it was just another cough and fever. But it wasn't. He had a very bad lung infection. By the time he was admitted, his whole lung was being infected. After i received my mum's call at 5pm, my heart sank. Why is this happening to me. Why?
My aunt fetched my beother, me and my mum to hospital immediately and when we reached there, the nurse didn't wanted us to enter. She said 'we are trying very hard to save him, he is currently in critical condition. His life is in danger.' As we were outside waiting, my mum broke down into tears. As i heard the cries, my wild thoughts suddenly flashed at the back of my mind. What if my Dad is dead? What will happen if i have no father? What is going to happen to me? What is going to happen to my family? What is going to happen to my world? He recently just celebrated his 50th birthday on 3rd November and he is only 50 years old. Why is this happening to him? He is a strong man. He doesn't fell sick. Why is it that once he fall sick everything will turn out so badly? I had a long talk with the doctor yesterday and he gave me a lucid account of my father's condition. Apparently he had a lung infection and this (virus or bacteria they havent confirm) is air borne. So my dad probably got infected by a infected person. I kept asking the chances of survival. The way the different doctors phrase it have proved to me that my dad's condition is really very bad. This morning i met the senior consultant of the don't know what shit doctor but i know she is just the very big shit there and she told me that 'you have to be mentally prepared.' My world nearly came to an end at that moment. For the first time, i cried. I cried hard. I cried for 20minutes. My eyes were swollen. My cheeks were numb. I don't know what is going to happen to me.
At 8.20pm yesterday, we were allowed to enter my dad's ICU. When i saw him, my heart was really broken.(im sorry i have limited vocab and i really dont know what expression to use to express my sadness and pain). A tube was inserted throught his mouth down his throat to his lungs at the bronchus and both of his hands were tied to the side of the bed because the nurse told me that apparently my dad fought back at the nurse when they wanted to insert the tube. As i looked at him, he breathed very very heavily. His lungs went up high and went down again. Went up high. and went down again. Went up high, and went down again. His head is moving from left to right right to left and he seemed very very uncomfortable. Im really heart broken. Why is this happening to me. WHY???? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
Later at 11.20pm or so i went in again. It was a relief. He was very much calmer now and he has to be injected the dont know what to let him sleep. Sorry my mind isnt functioning well now. This is because they wanted him to rest and of course, with the tube in place he would naturally want to breathe himself and thus fight witth the machine. Thats is why they put him to sleep, said the doctor. I was really elated to see my dad much stable at that time. My aunts and uncles came down immediately and they chanted their own prayers.
I stayed in the hospital the whole night but i couldn't sleep. The green hard squarish couch was uncomfortable and the occasional noise from the movement of nurses and doctors make me worry. The opening door of the icu also kept me awake. I think i fell asleep at 3.30am and woke up at around 4.55am. During the whole night i reflected on my life. Bad things that i've did to my Dad, and good things i've did to him. The only conclusion i drew out from the whole night is Cherish what you have. Don't care if your parents nag at you scold you, beat you, or whatsnot. Just cherish their existance and treasure the times with them. You'll never know what will happen the next minute.
This morning at 7.01am the doctor came to speak to me. The infection has spreaded to his kidneys and he has to undergo dialysis to clear the toxic materials in his body. They gave him 3 litres of water but he had minimal urine. He also said that my dad's liver is failing. His condition is getting bad.
I really don't know what is going to happen to me.
The only thing i can do now is to pray, praying that he will have the will power to fight the bacteria or virus. Doctors have given him 4 types of antiboitic, one of which is bloody shit strong and used to fight diseases such as sars. For now, only time will tell if he can heal.
For now, the only thing i hope is that you can pray for my dad.
Dad, I've never said this before, but I wanna say that I Love You.
Friday, November 21, 2008
10:49 PM
The past few days have been eventful. I'm out almost everyday after o's. Today was suppose to play tennis but i'm down with a fever. I'm feeling quite bad now because my whole head seems to be very heavy. Slept like a log for the whole day and im now having block nose. Argh irritating. Meeting new people is cool, yo.
chess competition for the next 2 days. AHH individual some more.
After this week my life is pretty much more free already. Finally can stick back to my routines and probably going to pick up reading. I've got to improve on my languages to meet the challenges of the globalisating world. (sounds like ss). Bilinigualism right...
ok my block nose is getting from bad to worst.
|
kaijun
September 11.
kai_jun888@hotmail.com
|
Monday, August 09, 2010
I'm here again. Currently having mixed feelings because this is the last time i have the opportunity to view fireworks from my house at 17th level. Something which i took granted for, yupps i certainly did.
o wells, new house in a month or so i guess.
i'm trying to keep faith and keep believing..
i'm.. trying... :(
Friday, July 16, 2010
Everything seem to be so bleak right now.
kinda wish i could share my troubles with you dad:(
Sunday, March 28, 2010
this feelings sucks when i trained so hard for more than a year just to get myself injured. and nationals is in 4 days time.
and this feeling sucks when i'm so committed into this but you thought 'it was just a mistake'.
something bad will happen. I'm trying to prevent it, but your mentality is not helping. it hurts.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
i'm utterly disappointed with my brother.
HELLO? we're one family, now that dad has passed away, and that you're in the army, mum would definitely be worry about you but why can't you just fucking talk nicely with her during the weekends?
are you going to play your stupid games till you grow old? what is your fucking future?
i wished you dare to give me a punch so that i will give you a few more to wake you up seriously.
YOU'RE 21.
PLEASE, WAKE UP.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Emotions and sentimental values, are these so insignificant compared to materialistic desire? Why are humans so selfish, so self-centered?
everything would be different, if dad, you were around.
i really really miss you :'(
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
It has been a year. Time seem to pass too quickly. Everything that happened has been constantly flashing back this few days. Trying to hold back tears is difficult, really difficult.
But i am happy that there is one special person who loves me a lot :)
Sunday, September 06, 2009
A familiar yet usual feeling while typing into this page again.
Pain, sorrow, happy, sad, angst. Somehow i came back here.
Time has been cruely ticking away and humans are the victims of it.
Appreciate, who does?
self-motivation is what i live for, today.
and im puzzled with lots of things, which my dad could answer.
but its never possible.
never.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Looking back at 2008,
It started with much anticipation of the O level year and ended off with sadness and regrets.
2008 has been physically, mentally and emotionally draining for me. The O's have already drained away much energy, as i've really put my soul to it. I thought throughout this break before the release of results i could recuperate or maybe recharge myself for the upcoming year. But never did i expect that after 1 week of the last paper, my dad fell ill and for that week in the hospital, it was total hell for me. I couldn't sleep well, couldn't eat well, couldn't find myself and couldn't figure out why was everything happening on me. I thought life was unfair but i realise after much reflecting that perhaps this is what you call life and death. What is born, will die. What has been gathered will be dispersed. What has been built will collapse and what has been high will be brought low. So maybe, maybe, just maybe, this is what life is. What goes up, must come down.
2008 will be a year which i will not forget, the real hardwork i've put in to accomplish things and the loss of my Dad. The feeling of losing someone you really close to you is undescrible. A snap of a finger and gone. Without a word, but with lots of pain. I really really didn't expect to lose my dad in 2008. Perhaps everything is fated. Perhaps my future has already been carved out. It is just time, which is holding me back. Only time will tell the truth. And i must say that the truth really hurts.
2008 is also the year, i'm graduated from my alma mater. 10 years, 10 long years in a boys school. I was actually looking foward to 2008 because of this, because i'll be FREEEEEEE. But unforseen circumstances really make my 2008 dull and sad.
2008 has also brought isreal and Hamas close to war. The Si Chuan earthquake which has killed lots of people. The finacial crisis which has made lots of people lose their job and money. The inflation in singapore which has fustrated many aunties. The increase in oil prices which has irritated motorist.
Most importantly, 2008 has changed me. 2008 Has changed my perception towards life. Now i see life as fragile and unpredicable. We really don't know what will happen next. Be in our own life or the people around you. My grand uncle(i think thats what i should call in english..) has passed away on last saturday. Not only i'm sad about his death, the worst thing is i couldn't pay my last respect due to tradition as my dad has just passed away for less than 100 days. 2 love ones has left me, in 2008. So right now, the only thing i would say is, it is time to cherish and treasure everything around you. This might sound corny but it is actually a fact which everyone neglects, just like what i did, and i'm really regretting it.
As 2008 come to an end, http://kai-jun.blogspot.com/ will also come to an end. The intial purpose of blogging is for the fun of it. For the fact that everyone is doing it. But throughout this 4 years in secondary school, i've gradually change the purpose of blogging for the fun of it to sort of personal journal. That is why i don't really go around giving my link to everyone and beg them to tag or read. But anyway, this will be the last post. Maybe i'll continue to blog, at xanga or livejournal next year.
To end my post, i would like to share this song which i think a lot of people know. I think the lyrics is really meaningful and it depicts exactly what i'm feeling.
Yesterday - Leona Lewis
I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
In the way that you're by my side ooo
When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They can take the music that will never play
All the broken dreams, take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go,
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday
You always use to say
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least how the story goes
I never believed them til now
I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They take the music that will never play
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
I thought our days would last forever
But it wasnt our destiny
Cuz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
Now I can believe that
I can still find the strengh in the moments we made
I'm lookin back on yesterday
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They take the music that will never play (I know)
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams),
take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (yesterday)
They can take the future that we'll never know (never know)
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams (oh the broken dreams), take everything
Just take it away (take everything)
But they can never have yesterday
Oh the broken dreams, take everything
But they can never have yesterday
---------------
Lastly, this is the last picture i had with my father on my 16th birthday at 11 september 2008. The one and only most recent photo i had with him.
I hope that 2009 will be a better year. Currently i'm working part time as a promoter and it is sort of.. fun to a certain extend. But i get to see very gl customers and stuff. O's results is going to be out soon, and no matter how bad my result is, i hope i can squeeze into any JC and from there, real study comes in.
Till then, I'll wish everyone a very Happy New Year
Remember to Do Well In Whatever You Do, and Strive for the best!
kaijun.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry X'mas to everyone.
But not so merry for me.
I just received the medical report on my Dad through post. This is my worst present. The letter contains one chunk of words in the middle, containing no more than probably 200 words. In the passage, it is chim to the max. Bomb-ed all the medical terms. I wah and wow alot.
A diagnosis of Severe Community Acquired Pneumonia complicated by respiratory failure, septic shock, acute renal failure and disseminated intravascular coagulation was made to my Dad. I wiki-ed 'disseminated intravascular coagulation' and i was shocked. Very shocked. Doctors didn't tell me anything about blood clot in my dad's body.
haiz.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i think life is really unfair towards me.
My dad's death is a great loss to me. However, i realise that i've gain more than what i've lost. I've lost a Dad - something which is very painful, but through his death i've learnt many things. I've reflected, and i view things differently right now. It is too hard to put into words. I guess i've changed, i've really changed. My heart has changed. My opinion towards life and many little things i did before, i am going to do, and i will do in future has changed. If my dad's death is the price I have to pay to grow up, i guess i would rather not grow up. But it has happened, too soon. Never did i expect to lose a dad at 16 years old. Never. My dad was looking foward to my o's result. He was very eager to know how i did. When i tell him the paper was easy, he would tell me that 'dont be over confident la.. because you always make alot careless mistake one.. Who ask you, dont eat carrot.' Ha, the good small chats i had with him.
yesterday night i cried. I recalled the things my dad did to me to nuture me. Tears really flowed down uncontrollably. In primary school, if you have been in the same class as me, you would know that my spelling or ting xie usually always score very well. That is not because i was smart. That was because my parents 'forced' me to learn. My dad would sit in the living room and test me. When i spelled it wrongly, i get canned. Seriously, canned. Do you know why my time table(multiplication table or whatever) is so good? (max 12 x 12). Not because my maths is good. It was because my dad 'trained' me, in the hard way. He would randomly ask me ' ah jun, what is 7 times 7.... what is 8 times 6...' and at one point of time im really very irritated by this things that he did to me. I rememeber when i was primary 4, my dad brought lots of maths test paper and forced me to do. I had to do a test every day and he would mark it. I get canned for getting stupid mistakes. I really really hated him at that time. 'wah lao eh why u keep forcing me to do maths.. dam sian u know...' But during the EOY i got 93/100 for my maths. The highest i've gotten in primary school. That was primary 4. This was the reason why i liked maths. My dad imparted me the passion to solve mathematical problems. Also, everyday before i go to bed i would beg him to accompany me to sleep. In the normal size bed, i slept on the left, leaning towards the wall, and my dad on the right, so that he can get out of the bed easily once i fall asleep. During whole 15 mins or so, he sang to me, he tell me stories during his NS times, he told me his life in his younger days. Yesterday night, as i recalled the song he usually sing to me, i sang it out, and i cried, really badly.
Dad, i really miss you.
Where are you???
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I was suppose to be in Taiwan right now. Suppose to take the flight to Taiwan on 12.30pm. Supposingly the first time whole family out of the sg/my boundary. Suppose. Yup suppose. Suppose to be on plane for the first time.
But everything was suppose.
Even if my mum, bro and i goes on a holiday in the years to come, it won't be the same.
it won't.
sigh.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Hi everyone.
I'm really really seriously very thankful for all the encouragement everyone gave during the 2 weeks of the lowest point of my life. My mobile phone was spammed with condolences sms-es and sms-es for me to stay strong for my family, in addition to the fact that i must be cautious of my health and catch up with my sleep.
Also, everyone who has came down to my father's wake. I was really really touched to see my friends/classmates and teachers to come down. The most touching was the first night of the funeral when a group of MJS 6I'04 came down. I was really really speechless when i first saw them. All the teachers who came down were amazing too, their encouragement and support was too hard to put into words.
The tags on the tagboard too! I'm surprise to see so many anonymous and passer-bys. I'm really thankful for everyone who has tagged, especially those who doesn't know me. I've got no idea how you people landed here but really really thankful for all the encouragement.
Right now, I'm feeling alright. The emptyness at home is starting to set in. There is something missing right now. Since last friday, i've been sleeping with my mum. Haha to be the truth i cannot really sleep well because of the amazing snore my mum makes. Oops, but i told her about that and she was telling me about my dad's snore and this makes them asleep because 2 snore together = no noise, so they can sleep. Interesting stuff.
But right now, my mum occasionally will break down into tears during meals or just sitting down together while watching TV. My mum has known my dad for 30 years, since she was 17. I won't be surprise how sad she is now. I only know my dad for 16 years, but for her, 30 years. Almost twice. So this is something which makes her really really sad. Sometimes she will tell me that it is all the doctor's fault. He went in, all right, but soon breathing through the machine and subsequently multiple organ failure. She blame the doctor for causing his death. I tried to explain to her that these are some things which is beyond our control, but she just took it as a pinch of salt.
The pain will definitely linger, but i will definitely move on and not let this episode of my life defeat me. I realise that through writing a short message to someone has a great impact. Mr Pang wrote to me a small message and my cousin's wife did that too. The words she wrote to me were meaningful, and it is really true. Right now, i should think of how my Dad's story can contribue to the lifes of other people. Taking time to grief is human's nature, but after this I should consolidate my feelings and look forward to the challenges ahead.
My dad's death has taught me a very very valuable lesson. For the people who reads my blog, the only thing that i would say, and i said to almost all my friends who came down to my dad's wake, is that it is seriously really time to cherish and treasure what you have right now. I said that from the bottom of my heart. Family is something everyone is taking for granted. I've lost a Dad, and technically speaking i'm having an incomplete family. So while going around with my mum to all the government association yesterday to settle my dad's stuff, i can't help but to envy those walking together as a family. That is something I've not experience for a long time. I remember when i was young my dad would usually drive around to different shopping malls every weekend and my brother and I would keep annoying my parents buy lego for us. Up till about primary 4, I started to have the feeling of 'paiseh'. I don't know why, but i feel awkward when my friends meets my family. I don't know why i have that feeling. So as time goes by, the time spend together as a family starts to reduce because of all the problems the world is facing and stuff. Economy going bad and my dad's job as a property agent seems to have no more customers. Instead of staying at home idling, my Dad realise that it was just a waste of time. So he took up the job of a taxi driver in addition to his job as a property agent. This would probably earn more income to provide for the family and of course, keep him occupied i guess. So all this greatly reduce the time spend as a family together, and i've really regreted it. My dad's doesn't drive on sunday, so he always goes out with my mum and label it as 'dating' or 'pat-tor'. Sometimes he would ask me to tag along but i'll just turn it down because at that point of time computer was more important than anything else. So right now, i guess priority goes to my Mum. I've made a vow infront of my dad when he was lying in the ICU with a monotone beep from the machine, with all the tubes already unplugged, that i'll take good care of mum. So this is something i'll live for. I used to dislike going out with parents because sometimes the action they do is really 'omg man'. But right now, i dont care. Whatever it is, when my mum wants accompany to somewhere, i'll just tag along. I can choose what friends i make, i can choose what girlfriend i want. But i can't choose what mum i can have. Right now, the only goal in my life, besides achiving good results next year in JC (for which i believe i will), is that i must make my mum happy. That is the only thing i hope i can achieve. Who knows, she probably could live another 30 or 40 years, and this period of time for her is the most lonely one, because she has lost a emotional support. Right now i'm quite determined of my future stuff. For eg, if my girlfriend dislike my mum or something, she will be gone. I'll probably find someone who can get along with me as well as with my mum. I only left one parent, and the most important parent. The only thing i could do now is the provide her the best. The best. In future, i'll be a good Dad. The best Dad i'll be for my children. Because through this, i realise that Daddy is a person who makes a big impact of our lifes. They express their love differently, and i never thought of that till while i was sitting outside the ICU for a week. I reflected. I reflected.
Although my dad has passed away, he will definitely live in my heart forever.
Right now, i've a burning and puzzling question. Did the doctors make any mistakes while doing the scope in his stomach?????? My mum told me that the indian doctor was taking occasional stare at my mum when we went in to see him before the scope had taken place. My mum told me that he looked guilty-like. I'm waiting for the full detailed medical report that will be received probably a month later. Another thing is that, did the doctors cut my dad up for autopsy??? If so...... i've got nothing to say. My dad live such a wonderful life, as a good father, good emotional suporter, and definitely a good husband. But he suffered so much before his death, and the most painful thing is that i could speak to him, talk to him, touch him, see him, but he couldn't reply. That is the most painful thing. The pain will defnitely linger, no matter what. It is just like when someone nail a nail into the wall using a hammer. It is easy to nail it in, just like how easy pain can be encrypted inside someone. But it takes much difficulty to take it out, just like how difficult pain can be removed. But after this whole process, the wall still has a hole. Just like how the pain would linger around me for the rest of my life.
After reading all this, the only message i wanted to convey is that, start treasuring your family. I've learnt this through a very hard lesson, and i hope that my dear friends reading this will not experience the same thing i had, and the regrets i had. The pain that i'm having now cannot be felt by anyone, unless you've lost someone really close to you. But for those people who has terminal illness or die of ripe old age, i told the people that they are lucky. Because before their death, they could probably speak to their love ones, telling them how they feel, and telling them their last wishes.
But for my Dad's case, it was too sudden.
He didn't had a chance to speak.
Friday, December 05, 2008
My dad has been cremated today. The process of my dad's coffin entering the cremation place was painful. I cried, really badly.
All it has left were bones. Shattered bones. This is the first time I've seen human bone. And it is my dad's bone. I touched it. It is hard. Very rough. I managed to indentify his rib cage bones. Some were greenish. It looks like its the bacteria. Amazing. Surprising. Or what? I dont know.
I'm tired.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Dad, Please Rest In Peace. I will be strong for my mum and my brother. I will get into a junior college no matter what my o level result is. I will fullfill your wish of me attending officer course in NS and graduating from University. I will, i will definitely will.
rest in peace, dad.
i love you.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Im having a bad headache now. I can't afford to fall sick. Please, please dont let me fall sick.
I have to go to the hospital later on. This is the 6th day of my new life, 6th day not talking to my Dad, 6th day not sleeping at home throughout the night.
I hope i could be strong. Please dad, hang on.
Friday, November 28, 2008
On the fifth day of my new life, i was awaken at 4.30am by some inconsiderate couple talking just a few footsteps away from the green squarish hard couch i was sleeping on. I tried to carry on sleeping and on 5.30am or so 2 wonderful ladies came infront of me and talk. I was like.... errr..... but its okay. Life sucks. Thats about it. Then i tried to sleep again. At a few more minutes to 7am one group of nurses rushed in, and their heels are producing wonderful vibrations to the air mass. My head felt heavy. Nevermind, dont want to sleep already.
I talked to the doctor today at around 9.40am and she said my Dad's condition is still the same. Not much improvement. Still can't urinate and still requiring high level of oxygen. Mum broke down again. Doctor said take one step at a time. I took a step, and nearly trip and fall. I don't know what to do. Really.
The usual routines are getting mudane. I don't have a choice. I have to be there.
I guess life is unfair. I thought i could enjoy my holiday. I thought. Yes i shouldn't have thought of that.
(edit 4.18pm)
I just received a call. My mum said my father can't take in oxygen. Now they increased it to 100%. Im now going to rush down. DAD, PLEASE PLEASE HANG ON. PLEASE, I BEG YOU. PLEASE.
plz............................
Thursday, November 27, 2008
On the forth day of my new life, i got awaken by the laughters of the nurses. In addition to the wierd stuff that the cleaners and nurses are pushing around. Very noisy. At 8.50am or so i saw all the doctors who attends to my dad rushing into the ICU. I was scared. The rapid footsteps is terrifying. I held my hands together and really hoped that my father is alright. Every seconds was draining. Minutes were like hours and hours were like days. About exactly an hour later, the doctor spoke to me.
She smiled. She said that his condition is getting slighly better. Only a tiny bit. Comparing to the first day he was warded, there was only a small improvement. His life is still in danger. He is under medication to keep his Blood Pressure(BP) at normal. His BP is too low. He still has to undergo dialysis and breathing through the machine. But something a little good is that the doctors are providing him with 75% of oxygen, slighly lower than the 100% when he was first warded. We are breathing in 21% of oxygen, so 75% still means in critical condition. Nevertheless, this is still improvement.
His limbs are swelled up. In fact, the whole body. Doctor reassured me that it is normal and the swell will subside once he recovers. I'm still worried. Still scared. Yesterday night i asked the doctor that was on shift: 'seriously, how long is he going to take?'. He said the fastest is between 10 to 14days. It could be even longer. But this period of time is only the time take to get out of ICU. After that in the normal ward he still has to undergo lots of stuff and he might need to go rehabilitation because he would be in the bed for too long and his muscles are not working. I opened my mouth and stared at him blankly.
My taiwan trip next month has been cancelled. For the first time, i thought i'm going to sit on plane. Going to overseas(besides malaysia) together as a family. Even if my Dad recovers by that time, i wouldn't allow him to go because he would be too weak. The trip is cancelled. I believe, that we will have the chance to travel together again. We must.
This is the lowest point of my life.
Edit(6.21pm)
My dad has exactly the same symptoms as what it is describe in wiki. Fever, cough, develop sweaty and clammy skin. 'People with infectious pneumonia often have a cough producing greenish or yellow sputum, or phlegm and a high fever that may be accompanied by shaking chills.'
Very true, and exact.
If you want, you can read up here.
Off to the hospital now.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My life has changed. On the third day of my new life, which is today, the doctor told me that my dad's condition is slightly much better. Only very slight improvement. He required lesser oxygen than the previous day. In the air, we are breathing in 21% of oxygen. In the breathing device inserted throught the throat of my dad, it contains 90% of oxygen. But she said that his condition has improved very very little and can be considered as a good sign. But she kept emphasising the fact that my dad's is still in a critical condtion and his life is very much in a danger now.
In the meeting with her in a small room, i'm very worried that the antibiotic will have a disastrous side effect to my dad. I also asked about the specific baterica, whether they have sucessfully grown it. She said they were unable to grow, which makes me very very worried on the 4 bloody strong antibiotic that is given to my dad. I'm very very afraid that after my dad recover, his kidney would not function and has to undergo dialysis regularly. If this is the case i really don't know what is going to happen to me. She tried to change the subject and kept insisting the utmost importance now is to save his life, yes true, but in my mind i thought..... ok nevermind i dont wish to talk about it.
I was outside ICU for the whole night, popping in to see my dad occasionally. I stared at him, looked at the rhythm of his chest which is the same as the sound of the machine. Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep.. I told him to be strong. I don't know if he could hear it. Tomorrow i'm going to talk to him again. He always tell me that life is like a game. Just get the hang of it and win it, and then you will be successfull in life.. Similiarly, tomorrow i'm going to tell him that right now he is playing a game, and this concerns life and death. He must win all the stupid bacteria in his lungs so that he can recover.
I asked the doctor how long will he take. She said perhaps 10 to 14 days. It might be even longer. My heart sank.
My life has already changed, drastically.
For the past 2 days, i sat outside the ICU, staring into blank space reflecting. I didn't listen to any songs and didn't even have the mood to play anything. I stared at the clock, looking at the second hand moving every second. Every movement means that my dad is a second longer in the ICU and a second longer fighting for his life. The whole night i was very worried. I was alone. I persuaded my mum to go home because she hasn't sleep well for a long time. Right now she forced me to go home, because i've been there for 2 nights. I'll be there in the hospital by 8am tomorrow.
Please hang on there, Dad.
(Edit 9.02pm)
I think im going to the hospital now. My mum just called and she sounded loney.
If anyone of you is reading this, please help me to pray for my Dad.
thank you.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I seriously dont know how to start this post.
My Dad has been warded in hospital yesterday afternoon, and i thought it was just another cough and fever. But it wasn't. He had a very bad lung infection. By the time he was admitted, his whole lung was being infected. After i received my mum's call at 5pm, my heart sank. Why is this happening to me. Why?
My aunt fetched my beother, me and my mum to hospital immediately and when we reached there, the nurse didn't wanted us to enter. She said 'we are trying very hard to save him, he is currently in critical condition. His life is in danger.' As we were outside waiting, my mum broke down into tears. As i heard the cries, my wild thoughts suddenly flashed at the back of my mind. What if my Dad is dead? What will happen if i have no father? What is going to happen to me? What is going to happen to my family? What is going to happen to my world? He recently just celebrated his 50th birthday on 3rd November and he is only 50 years old. Why is this happening to him? He is a strong man. He doesn't fell sick. Why is it that once he fall sick everything will turn out so badly? I had a long talk with the doctor yesterday and he gave me a lucid account of my father's condition. Apparently he had a lung infection and this (virus or bacteria they havent confirm) is air borne. So my dad probably got infected by a infected person. I kept asking the chances of survival. The way the different doctors phrase it have proved to me that my dad's condition is really very bad. This morning i met the senior consultant of the don't know what shit doctor but i know she is just the very big shit there and she told me that 'you have to be mentally prepared.' My world nearly came to an end at that moment. For the first time, i cried. I cried hard. I cried for 20minutes. My eyes were swollen. My cheeks were numb. I don't know what is going to happen to me.
At 8.20pm yesterday, we were allowed to enter my dad's ICU. When i saw him, my heart was really broken.(im sorry i have limited vocab and i really dont know what expression to use to express my sadness and pain). A tube was inserted throught his mouth down his throat to his lungs at the bronchus and both of his hands were tied to the side of the bed because the nurse told me that apparently my dad fought back at the nurse when they wanted to insert the tube. As i looked at him, he breathed very very heavily. His lungs went up high and went down again. Went up high. and went down again. Went up high, and went down again. His head is moving from left to right right to left and he seemed very very uncomfortable. Im really heart broken. Why is this happening to me. WHY???? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
Later at 11.20pm or so i went in again. It was a relief. He was very much calmer now and he has to be injected the dont know what to let him sleep. Sorry my mind isnt functioning well now. This is because they wanted him to rest and of course, with the tube in place he would naturally want to breathe himself and thus fight witth the machine. Thats is why they put him to sleep, said the doctor. I was really elated to see my dad much stable at that time. My aunts and uncles came down immediately and they chanted their own prayers.
I stayed in the hospital the whole night but i couldn't sleep. The green hard squarish couch was uncomfortable and the occasional noise from the movement of nurses and doctors make me worry. The opening door of the icu also kept me awake. I think i fell asleep at 3.30am and woke up at around 4.55am. During the whole night i reflected on my life. Bad things that i've did to my Dad, and good things i've did to him. The only conclusion i drew out from the whole night is Cherish what you have. Don't care if your parents nag at you scold you, beat you, or whatsnot. Just cherish their existance and treasure the times with them. You'll never know what will happen the next minute.
This morning at 7.01am the doctor came to speak to me. The infection has spreaded to his kidneys and he has to undergo dialysis to clear the toxic materials in his body. They gave him 3 litres of water but he had minimal urine. He also said that my dad's liver is failing. His condition is getting bad.
I really don't know what is going to happen to me.
The only thing i can do now is to pray, praying that he will have the will power to fight the bacteria or virus. Doctors have given him 4 types of antiboitic, one of which is bloody shit strong and used to fight diseases such as sars. For now, only time will tell if he can heal.
For now, the only thing i hope is that you can pray for my dad.
Dad, I've never said this before, but I wanna say that I Love You.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The past few days have been eventful. I'm out almost everyday after o's. Today was suppose to play tennis but i'm down with a fever. I'm feeling quite bad now because my whole head seems to be very heavy. Slept like a log for the whole day and im now having block nose. Argh irritating. Meeting new people is cool, yo.
chess competition for the next 2 days. AHH individual some more.
After this week my life is pretty much more free already. Finally can stick back to my routines and probably going to pick up reading. I've got to improve on my languages to meet the challenges of the globalisating world. (sounds like ss). Bilinigualism right...
ok my block nose is getting from bad to worst.
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